


He Who Calls Himself My Father

by akdaley



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Epistolary, Father-Son Relationship, JUST LETTERS, Letters, No Romance, No Smut, Not Incest, Sad, angsty, jedi stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 05:51:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13698156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akdaley/pseuds/akdaley
Summary: Letters from Han to Ben, over the course of his time at the Temple with Luke. No big spoilers, no big plot. Just some letters from a dad to his kid. Somewhat sad.





	He Who Calls Himself My Father

**Author's Note:**

> This fits with the other fic I'm writing - it's the same Ben and the same Han. However, you do not need to have read that fic to read this one. Just enjoy!

 

 

_Dear Ben, bit of a rush to get this letter out. Halfway to a deal with the Delaki – hope they don’t back out! If they do, you might not hear from me for a while, haha. Just kidding. Mostly. See you around, kid – I’ll be there soon to settle you in._

_Hope you’re doing okay out there at the Temple – don’t work too hard! On the other hand, don’t slack off. You’re a Prince, but much more important – you’re a Solo, like me. We don’t slack off. Pretty weird to imagine you out there training. Doesn’t seem like five minutes since you were born. Incredible, you out there doing the Jedi thing._

_See ya kiddo. Love you. Be GOOD._

_Dad_  
  
________________________________________________________________

_Hey Benjo,_

_Thought you’d like this – it’s made out of Gulath amber stone! I got it in a card game, of course. Apparently Gulath amber is sort of Jedi stuff. But maybe the guy who lost it was just spinning me a line? Get your uncle to check it out if you’re not sure._

_Luke says you’re settling in okay, huh? Temple not too boring? Glad to hear you’ve made a friend. Niam sounds like a nice guy. You need friends. I’d never have survived without mine._

_If you fancy a trip on the Falcon, Chewie and me are thinking of stopping off, as long as Luke’s schedule allows it and I don’t get impounded on Coruscant! Hope it works out. Will sat-call if I can make it._

_See you son - H_

________________________________________________________________

_Hi son. Not heard from you in too long. The months just roll by, huh! Four whole months since you went full Jedi trainee (Padawan, right? ‘Cos you gotta have a special name for everything.) It’s weird without you at home- was back there a bit ago. The flat was quiet!_  
  
_Sorry that trip idea was a bust – nothing like import duty to hold a dad down! You have no idea what it’s like, getting caught up in skirmishes between that lot. They’d fight to death over a kriffing bread roll, rather than just split it between them. Petty isn’t even the word._

_Bet Luke is moulding you into a regular Jedi? All saintly and pure and drifting on your mountaintop. Don’t forget about having fun too! There’s more to life than mountaintop visions – make sure you and Niam do some other stuff too. Kid stuff. But still: BE GOOD._

_See you soon – coming back to Coruscant for your birthday, I hear? I’ll be there! Me and your mum have planned a party. She’s doing the fancy Alteraan stuff. I’m just bringing a deck of cards!_

_Love,  
Daddy_

___________________________________________________________

_Benjo, Benjo!_

_Was great to see you at your tenth party last month. You got so tall! Ten years old kid! I can’t believe it. Sorry I couldn’t stay much longer, but it was great to take you home on the Falcon too. ‘Home’, huh? Guess the Temple is sort of your home? Chewie says hello too (in his own way, you know how it goes.) I printed out that photo of us. Look at you, so tall, seriously! Chewie says there’s no way someone with hair as dark as yours can really be a relative of Luke’s – guess Wookies tend to resemble family a bit more closely? Promised him that you are one hundred percent the real deal offspring of me and Leia! We don’t know how we did it, but promise you that we did._

_Anyway, kid. Guess you might have picked up on some stuff, being the way you are. You always see things clearly and it was probably not that hard to spot._

_So I thought you should know that me and your mother are having a bit of a tough time lately. We’ve got our different things going on, and you know how she gets with the war. We both love you though, that’s at least one thing we’ve got in common! We’ll try and find the rest. Promise on the Falcon (about as serious as I get!) Stay G.O.O.D. with Luke. Tell him I said hi._

_Dad_

_____________________________________________________________

_Hi Ben!_

_Been too long, hasn’t it? I tried to sat-call you but the connection where I am is so shaky. I’m in the outers, and god help anyone here who tries to connect! Let’s just hope intergalactic mail does its noble work._

_All I wanted to say was - I miss you, Jedi star. See you soon._

_Dad_

__________________________________________________________________

_Ben!_  
  
_Thanks for your last letter – great drawing of your Uncle fighting with his saber! I remember that look in his eyes – it means that anyone who gets in his way is going to be Jedi dust. Not that Jedi approve of turning people to dust. Just one of those things you’ve gotta do, right? Sometimes?_

 _Training sounds like it’s going well. Cool, you’ve got a few friends now. Jedi army of the future! Or something. Not army. You know. Jedi peace troupe of the future?_  
  
_I’m going to sat-call on Thursday come hell or high water. I’m settled (ish) on Qatath for the moment, working through a deal here. Talk to you soon (though by the time you get this letter, the call will have probably already happened, huh? So don’t know why I’m writing this letter. Oh well, it’ll be a surprise when you get it… your dad is pretty scattered when he tries to write!)_

_Just in case though. You said in your letter you wanted to know more details about your grandfather.  I don’t know how to answer that – Luke knows a lot more than me, obviously. Your mum too. All I know is, he was a good guy, then he was a bad guy. A really bad guy! But he wasn’t always like that. I suppose the moral is: people can change. But the moral is also: bad guys end up miserable, good guys not so much._

_Love,  
Dad_

_____________________________________________________________  


_Eleven today, kid! Check out the front of this card – I got someone I know to draw the Jedi front sheet!_

_Your mum and I were disappointed you couldn’t come home, but we get that we’ll never be as cool as the people you know at Temple. Hope Luke gives you a proper party, not just some meditating under a tree or whatever!  Was great to talk to you last month and already looking forward to hearing your voice today. You said some really interesting things – how did I produce such a smart son? Well, just kidding. I know the answer to that – I met your mother!_

_Chewie and I packaged up a few presents inside this box. Surprise!! Open at your PERIL!_

_Dad_

__________________________________________________________

_Dear Ben,_  
  
_Thought you’d like this postcard from Gratrath – check out the waterfall! Your party sounded like a blast – Jedi kids jumping in the air. Poor Uncle Luke! How high did you get before he pulled you down? Haha. Love you. Miss you kid._

_Dad_

_____________________________________________________________

_Hey from Coruscant!_

_Ben, we wanted to see you together in person, but your mother and I just can’t make it work with her schedule and mine, and since it’s news we want to share, we figured a letter would have to work until we can get there. Trust Luke to set up a temple a million miles from civilisation and with such a poor sat connection!_

_Leia’s got so much to do with the Senate these days, and it’s all so important. I don’t get half of it. Never been my scene, all those rich people…_

_Anyway, maybe you figured already from Luke. Maybe it was sort of clear that it was coming, but Leia and I aren’t going to be living together any more. I’ve moved my stuff from the Coruscant place – never felt like home the way the Falcon does anyway, so it’s not that big of a change. I spent nine months of the year on the road as it was. Now I guess it’ll be more like 12._

_WE LOVE YOU. Whenever you come home to Coruscant, I’ll be here. Whatever I’m doing, if you’re coming home, I’m going to be there. I’m going to visit Temple. Whenever you’re ready with your training, I’ll be here. All right? Stay with the Force and all of that._

_It’s not your fault, okay? Don’t think for a single second that it is._

_Dad_

_____________________________________________________________________________________________-_

_Benjo,_

_Thought you’d like to see this photo of yours truly, sunning it beach side! Long overdue holiday for me and Chewie. The other people on the photo are Helthana, Nadra and Kla – old buddies. Great to catch up with them – they all say hello to you and that you’re a pretty handsome dude! Thank you for your nice letter. I keep reading it whenever I miss you!_  
  
Dad

 ______________________________________________________________  


_Dear Ben,  
Luke wrote to say that you did really well in training the other day – but you were a bit stronger than he anticipated. You’ve got to be careful, buddy! You could really hurt someone. _

_Everything here is okay. Spending a bit longer on the beach than I expected – what can I say, the sunshine does wonders for an old man like me._

_How’s it all going? We’re going to see each other soon, for certain sauce and certain nauce (remember that stupid joke Bet you’re all teenagery and embarrassed now?)_

_Dad_

________________________________________________________

_Hi Ben,_

_How are you? Can’t believe you’re going to be 12 next month! !2 years old, Kriff that makes me feel like an old man. It was so strange to see you at the Temple just now. I’m writing this from the Falcon, and I only saw you a few hours ago. Guess I’m missing you! You were sitting just like Luke or Obi-Wan, that far-away look in your eye. Guess all Jedi get sort of glazed over! At least to a non-sensitive to me._

_Luke says you’re not settling into training as much these days. He says you look worried all the time. Maybe you should get out for a bit?_

_Even Jedi need holidays, right? Let me know if you want me to swing by. Just let me know, any time. I’ve got nothing but time._  
  
Dad.

______________________________________________________

 

_Happy 12 th birthday! I already gave you your present when I saw you last month – glad you liked it!  It was great to meet your friends that day, should have said that. I really liked Maura. No pressure, but who knows huh? She was pretty cool.  Even though you were being all distant and Jedi, I figured maybe… just MAYBE. _

_Luke and I both said how much you look like Leia sometimes. Just out of the corner of an eye. It’s something in your eyes, I think. Amazing to see it.  SO proud of you kid._

_Dad._

__________________________________________________________  
  
_Dear Ben,_

_Sorry I haven’t been in touch for so long – I guess you were worried, and it was shit that I made you be worried. To be honest, I’ve been what you might call detained. Just temporary, you understand. Nothing to worry about. A little bit of a misunderstanding with someone with a fondness for incarceration of people he has misunderstandings with._

_I’m fine! Not so much as a scratch, and at least I got plenty of rest! I thought about you a lot, while I was holed up. I wish I’d seen more of you over these years. I know you’re safe with Luke, but I hope you’re happy too. Life’s not only about Jedi training. There’s more out there. A whole galaxy._

_~~Sometimes I get the impression you might~~ _ _I just hope you’re happy. If you ever wanted, I’d take you anywhere you wanted to go. Once you’ve finished training, when you’re old enough, but even just for a little break right now. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. I’m making another visit. I’ll be at the Temple soon._

_Dad._

_______________________________________________________________

_Hi Ben,_

_It was good to see you last month. Really good. It felt pretty much like I’d missed the whole thing of you turning into a adult. Your voice broke, kriff! I shouldn’t have been in prison, should have tried harder not to get caught. I made a mistake. I’m sorry. I get why you were a bit distant. I disappeared for seven months, after all. I get it._  
~~  
_I just hope you can_~~ _What you said about Darth Vader, though, Ben. I don’t know. I have to be honest, I don’t exactly agree. I get what you mean, but it’s a bit of a distorted view huh? Maybe you’re spending a bit too much time on your own there? Because Ben, okay, he did some important stuff in a way – but he also died because he took on a really stupid idea and let it take him over. At least that was my impression. Isn’t that pretty much what weakness is? Being overtaken by an idea that doesn’t make much sense? He gave up everything for it. Don’t know if that’s what you’d call ‘heroic’. More like dumb as kriff._

_Stay okay, son._

____________________________________________

_Dear Ben,_

_I guess I understand what you mean. It’s normal to want to know who you are! Not all of us can be like Leia, with a family they can trace back for generations. My great-grandparents were pretty much nothing! But I still want to know about them, about who we are and were. So I don’t mind you asking questions to understand who you are. I’d say it’s normal._

_Still, don’t get too lost in it. Where you come from is only one part of the story, right? It’s also about where you’re going and what you choose right now._

_Speaking of right now, a month until you’re 13. Given any thought to the party (where, what, how)? 13 is a pretty important age. Everything happens when you’re thirteen!_

_Dad_

_______________________________________________________________

_Hey son,_

_I never heard from you about your plans for your 13 th, so I had to do some improvising. DO NOT tell your mother about this gift! Luke says you’ll have your party there with Niam and Maura and all the rest of your lot. I figured, the best way (the only way) to hit 13 is with a little bit of breaking the rules._

_Do not drink it all in one go, all right? Take it someplace, share it with your friends. Watch the sunset with a beer. It’s not that strong but still. DO NOT tell your mother or Luke._

_But maybe tell me how the party was when I see you in a few weeks._

_Han_

___________________________________________________________  
  
_Dear Ben,_

 _It was good to see you last month and to give you your real gift. Shame you never got around to drinking the beer, but I understand it. Jedi code, sacred duty. You’re a better man than me!_  
  
_You’re so tall and grown-up and tough these days, kiddo. Luke says you’re the strongest person there, apart from him. That’s impressive. I’m glad you’ll always be able to handle yourself._

_But – just like I said before. If you ever want a change of scene, you can tell me. I’ll come pick you up, and we can go. For a short time, for a longer time. Whatever you want. I know that training is important to you, and it’ll always be the thing you focus on. That doesn’t mean it’s the only thing in your whole life though, right?_

_Just if you need it, you know. ~~I don’t know if~~ remember how when you were younger I used to tell you to be GOOD? Now I guess I can tell you it again, for old time’s sake. Be good._

_Han_

_________________________________________________  
  
Dear Ben,

_Your mother and I have made a plan (amazing but it’s true!) We are coming to visit you together. We thought – a little family time might be good. Just cause I’m not based out of Coruscant these days doesn’t mean we’re not a family. Surprise! Bet you’re grimacing right now, the thought of both your parents. We promise to be normal, boring parents at a normal, boring Jedi temple!_

_We just wanna see you together. And Luke! Old gang together and all. We’ll be there on the 7 th. Reckon it’ll be fun. You can tell us all the things you’re not putting in your letters these days (or not – we don’t care. We just want to see you!)_

_Dad_

___________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Dear Ben,

_Okay so I’m here on the Falcon, Leia sleeping in the guest wing and I’m just… I don’t know. That was pretty weird, wasn’t it? What did you think to all that? Your mother was pretty upset. She doesn’t show things so well, but she was._

_Maybe it was a bad idea to visit like that. It was certainly impulsive. Ben, okay, you were right (as always) – yes, there was a reason for our visit. Luke is worried about you. He thinks you’re getting more remote and less happy. He doesn’t know why, but he’s definitely worried that something is wrong with you._

_I have to say, maybe I agree. Being a teenager is hard work. You’ll be 14 in a few months, and adulthood is coming. But that’s no excuse for the way you’re so… far away. What’s wrong, kid? We all care._

_Don’t be sad. Or whatever it is that’s going on. We’re probably all too old and square to help, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to listen anyway. That offer of a trip on the Falcon IS still on the table. It’s always on the table._

_Han._

 

 _________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Dear Ben,

 _Happy 14_ th!!   _I wasn’t sure what to get you, but I hope you like this._  
  
_Love,_  
_Dad_

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_Dear Ben,_

_Afraid this letter’s going to have some serious stuff in it. I got a call from Luke just now, and he managed to put me in the picture (despite the crackly connection!) Ben, he told me what happened in training._

_I don’t want to believe it, okay? I’m sure it was an accident, I’m sure that in fighting it can always go a bit wrong, even for Jedi. I’ve been in a few fights where I’ve lost my footing, that’s for sure! BUT a nine-year-old kid, Ben?_

_Did you really do that? What happened? He doesn’t have a friend in the world. He’s brand new at Temple. I just can’t imagine how it got where it got – what were you thinking? You have to talk to me about this._

_Han._

______________________________________________________________________________________

_Dear Ben,_

_Thank you for explanation. It’s good to know you haven’t forgotten how to write after all! Just joking. Kind of, anyway._

_If you say it was an accident but you admit you had a bit of a ‘disagreement’ with each other, okay. I accept that._

_I’m just having a hard time seeing what kind of disagreement ends up with a 14 year old nearly strangling a 9 year old. An accidental punch, I can understand, in a fight. A too-strong hit. There are plenty of things I could understand given where you are -  but not like that._

_I’ve got to be honest. I don’t know if it’s a good idea for you to stay at the Temple right now. It doesn’t seem to be good for you to be there. Leia has connections with a school on Coruscant. It might be an alternative._

_Think about it._

_Han_

_________________________________________________

_Hey Ben,_

_Haven’t had a letter from you in a while. Luke says you’re training hard, and you don’t have time to sat-call with me. I really hope he’s right that you’ve put what happened behind you and committed to your training._

_Failing that, I hope you’ve just got a girlfriend – Maura maybe? Or you’re doing stuff that’s just way more fun than hanging out with your dad.  Oh to be 14._

_Your mother says that she hasn’t heard from you either, not for a few months now. She really misses you! I know that everything with me and Leia was pretty much a disaster, and we did it all wrong – but I still love her, you know, and she’d love to hear from you. Do it for her, if not for me._

_Han._

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________-_

_Dear Ben,_

_Well, feels a bit like writing to empty space, but here goes nothing._ _I’ll come over for your 15 th, if you invite me. I thought maybe you might prefer to call the shots on parent visiting, rather than being visited against your will? I hope you still want to see me. _

_Han_

_______________________________________________

_Dear Ben,_

_I guess you didn’t fancy the idea of an old man at your 15 th birthday – I can understand that, I guess! I got you this book – apparently it’s a Jedi text? I thought you’d like it. I remember reading that bedtime story to you sometimes, about the old woman with her stones and leaves. _

_And, something else. At the bottom of the parcel – I got you a communicator. Nothing fancy, solar-powered, but maybe you and I could talk that way some time? I know that it’s not allowed at Temple, I know you’re not supposed to be distracted by technology – but after nearly six years, I think I trust you! You can send me a message. Reach out to the world a bit, okay? It’s not that bad out here._

_Han._

________________________________________________________________________

_Dear Ben,_

_Guess you didn’t get the last parcel, or you decided not to use the communicator after all? (If you didn’t get it – surprise, I got you a communicator. And a near-priceless Jedi text, so if that got lost in the post, seriously kriff the post!)_

_Hope you’re all right and you enjoyed your 15 th party, whatever you did for it._

_Han_

_____________________________________________________________________________

_Dear Ben,_

_~~I don’t  
What ~~ _

_~~Ben~~ _

_Dear Ben,_

_You won’t get this letter – how could you? I’m here at the Temple, or what’s left of it anyway. We saw ~~the kids the bodies~~_ _everything_ ~~~~

_I don’t understand, Ben. I don’t understand._

_Where are you? Who are you?_

_I don’t know how we got here, kid. I don’t understand a thing._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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